matters more

I cut my hair a bit and I think I like it. It feels much healthier. I keep turning on movies and only watching the beginning and then turning on another one. I'm bored. I think I am going to start a garden. I need fresh air more and a hobby, I guess. I don't know anything about gardening but I'll read up on it online and start small.    It just seems nice and nothing else really does these days. I've also got to stop smoking. I want to be healthy and feel clean inside. About my hair.. the reason I like it is because of how it feels. I think that probably matters more than how it looks. I don't have to look at it all day, I have to feel it. I feel lighter and more girly and fresh. I want to start focusing on doing things that also give me that feeling.
I was thinking about how I am impulsive when I am depressed. I buy dogs without thinking it through and get tattooed and cut and dye my hair. I've done much stupider things like cheating too. I want to learn to be content. I did just cut my hair today, but I think, for once, it wasn't an impulsive thing. It was therapeutic actually. I did it for the right reasons lol.. that sounds lame but I had awful split ends and needed to cut it. I usually do it because I think I need a makeover or whatever.
Hank just woke up and he's pissed off so I better get off here.
Just typing for a minute has made me feel better.

bothersome

   Really gotta start getting back on a schedule! I feel like my life is chaos now. Drue didn't go to school today. This morning was insane. He refused to get dressed. No matter what Michael or I did, he just sat there and stared at the wall. Michael got really mad and sent him back to bed. He isn't allowed to play games or watch tv this week. He has been getting in trouble for not doing his work at school too. I'm worried. I have been trying to figure out what could be causing this change in behavior and can't think of anything that has changed except for us moving.. that is when this all started but I can't figure out why that would be at all bothersome to him. We all like it here and we only moved next door. He still sees everyone. I don't know but I have to get myself back on track and try to find a way to fix this. It seems like he doesn't like school anymore. When I try to ask him about school, he doesn't want to talk. He'll say he doesn't remember. It's weird. Maybe someone is picking on him at school? He has always told me about that stuff when it happened though. He came home with a big scratch on his neck last week and I asked him what happened and he told me a kid on the bus did it... he didn't seem to care.. I will keep trying to talk to him about everything and see if I get anywhere with it. Drue is really difficult to get to talk though.
   I have been really depressed and Michael has been really good with helping me out around the house. I'm so thankful for him. He seems to like his new job so far. I'm happy about that. We found out he will get paid every week again. Yay! I love that!! Budgeting is way more fun that way!
   So.. I started trying to get things in order on paper today.. I haven't written in my journals since right after we moved in. I'm thinking that could have added to my stress and depression issues. I started budgeting, now that it's fun again.. I wrote down all the things that we need to get done in the next few weeks and, after writing it all down, I feel better. I need to remember to always do that!

I miss him

I'm sitting here with nothing to do but the dishes.. boo!
Michael wouldn't wake up when I tried to wake him. I forgot why I didn't like him working 2-10 before.. He likes to sleep until time to get ready and I have to go to bed as soon as he gets home. He stayed up watching tv all night last night... I miss him already.
I need to go grocery shopping.
I need to make tea.. finish the dishes..
Haddie and Hank won't stop fighting.. it's horrible.
Haddie is now on Craigslist. Jordan is trying to decide whether or not she wants her back.
I have had three people ask about her so far.
Blah.. I'm thinking about going to MHMR to see if I can get some meds.. I'm tired of feeling this way.
The babies have been super sweet lately and I'm grateful..
Gonna go wake up Michael..

fried

I can't do today..
I need to borrow a toaster..
Hank is screaming at me, I had to put Haddie in her cage because she just walked up and bit me and now she's barking like crazy...
Michael's still in bed and I doubt I'll get to see him before he goes to work..
I'm just sad and frustrated today.
I want to cut and dye my hair like this
..this cut (if my hair is long enough)

this color..


I'm tired of changing my hair color for stupid reasons.. I need to stick with blonde because it's my favorite and that's all that matters. I seriously can't believe I dyed my hair dark again just to wear a dress once. So stupid. Now my hair will really be fried once I get back to blonde.

All pissy

Feeling really depressed and tired today and yesterday. My mind keeps drifting to negative thoughts and I keep dreading all my responsibilities... I am really dreading tomorrow for some reason. I just want to sleep.
I was just reading arguments about parenting.. it's all so ridiculous how everyone thinks they've got it right. "my parents did this and I turned out alright" SHUT UP!
It just really pisses me off. It's scary to be a parent and people run their mouths all the damn time about other parents doing something wrong.. it's dumb and pointless. No one is perfect and just because you have a child doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to mess up. It's inevitable. When I hear someone talking bad about someone else for the way they parent their children, I want to scream.
I'm pretty sure most people with kids love them and want to do what is best for them but what is best for them is all a matter of opinion. Every child is different. I can't even parent all of my children the exact same way so why would someone try to say that a certain way is best for all kids? GRR!
The needs of a child vary from child to child like an adult.. there is no "right way".

It's got me all pissy.. I can't even vent properly lol.. my head's a mess!

some more

I just finished dying my hair medium brown.. I thought I told Michael to get dark brown.. but whatever.. it was already on my head when I noticed the box said medium.
I hot-glued the clips to my new hair extensions this time.. it was soooooo much easier and faster than sewing them on and when I tried pulling one off I could tell it wasn't going ANYWHERE! WooO!
I'm so glad I tried it out because it's a lifesaver!!!
I showed everyone the dress and boots I ordered off of Amazon and I think everyone really liked my final decision. My bathing suit I ordered came today and it's a little bit small and my back fat is a little bit out of control but Michael liked it so I guess it's okay.
I learned today that Jordan is having a 21st bday party for Meghan at her house on the 8th or 9th, depending on Meghan's work schedule. We have been trying to come up with a party theme but still nothing. I think Jordan was leaning towards spending all the money she has on alcohol and saying "fuck the decorations" when I last spoke to her though.
Yada yada.. bore, bore some more... Later, Lovely!

hmm..

  Haddie is back home.. Michael kept looking at dogs online and I figured it would be easier to just give Haddie another try since Jordan was too stressed with two puppies and they were thinking about selling her.
I think her time with Mudd has helped calm her down too.
  I tried buying shoes online and every site I tried wouldn't let me pay with a Master card.. I don't know why or if that is some normal thing that I just don't know of. Never had that problem before but we haven't had anything other than a Visa card until now.. hmm..
  I want those damn shoes!!
I am lost without any of my shows to watch. I guess I could finish the dishes... ;)

it's a mess...

Finished season 7 of Dexter.. awesomeness. (of course)
The living room is all set up now and I love it to pieces. Feels super homey to me.
The kids stayed the night with my mom last night and Kaylee was sick all night. Poor baby. :(
Almost done with season 5 of Big Bang Theory.. makes me so happy to watch, I'm trying to drag it out.
Michael just went to get Chinese food and take Bluebell back to Carlos. Sad and happy =/ Ugh!
All I really want to blog about is the dogs but I have forbidden myself to do so. It's a mess...
I sang the other night and was amazed by how good I sounded at one point LOL! It didn't last long but for that brief moment I was like "holy shit.. I'm amazing!" Bahahaha!
That is about it. Thanks for listening! :)

all cocky

Since I've moved out, I've been feeling a bit depressed again. I don't understand why. I guess there may be no underlying reason, but I'm always attempting to find one so that I can fix the issue. I'm happy and functional for the most part, there's just this little depression feeling behind it all trying to drag me down. I should probably get back to going to bed early since it usually depresses the shit out of me to stay up all hours of the night but that's the schedule I am now on. I managed to wake up before 10am today which is better than I have been doing. I'm letting myself get lazy with Michael being home to take Drue to the bus stop. I haven't gone at all this week. I think I've gained weight this week too. I haven't weighed myself but I can feel the difference on my face. Eww! Feels awful! We just got the second futon set up in the kids room and now I'm blogging during, what Michael calls, "break time". I did the first yesterday myself since Michael was gone all day helping Joseph move stuff in and out of the house. I thought it would be easy since the pieces were all pretty big in the box... but no... it was a bitch. I do like assembling things for whatever reason but that was hard to manage with only one set of hands. I was all cocky about it afterward and today when I helped Michael, I had a lot of "input" and probably pissed him off. He said he wasn't pissed but I could sense his frustration with me lol! I better get off of here and feed Hank something.. I can hear him whining at Michael and he's playing his stupid game so... lol...
ALSO!!!... My download for season 7 of Dexter is almost complete! Woooooohooo!!!!!!! SO EXCITED!

instead

  Furniture has been delivered... not sharing a room with the kids.. bought two futons instead of bunk beds.
We've been watching The Big Bang Theory again.
 Mom and Gramma came to visit last night and brought the kids valentines.
I made Drue's teacher a gift using an idea that I found on Pinterest and it turned out nice. He was really happy about it.
 Katie and Joseph bought a dining room table and it seriously weighs a million pounds. Me, Joseph, Jordan, AND Michael struggled to carry it inside together.
 Hank is going through another extremely fussy phase. I think it may be because he's getting a new tooth because he's been drooling a lot too.
 Bluebell has torn up a small area of carpet under the bathroom door. I don't think it's gonna work out. I can't be having any of that. I obviously don't think it through before I go and get a new puppy. I'm a moron.
 blah, blah...

nachos

 Just moved into our new place and I am loving it so far (besides being not-so-organized yet).
We get our new furniture delivered this week... Hopefully today!
I bought some stuff to help me get all organized and whatnot but I haven't gotten off my ass to get started on all that.

  Once again, I have decided that the best place for all of us to sleep is in the same bedroom lol!
I just can't relax when I'm not sure the kids are sleeping in their rooms and I am scared to death of someone breaking in or something and me not being in the room with them.
So yeah.. I bought us all black comforters to match and we will be getting bunk beds soon so that we can all share a room again... but this time, they will have a separate play room to keep their stuff in so that it doesn't get crazy.
  So... front room will be the "sleep room", middle room will be the "play room", and the master will be the "computer room". I know it sounds crazy to make the biggest room in the house the computer room but the treadmill and extra couch is going in there and stuff too... and I figure when people come over it will give us more space to hang out in.

  We had nachos for dinner last night and they were yummy. baha..
Target called Michael today to give him his schedule. He will be working Sun-Thurs. from 2-10pm.
It's not the schedule I was hoping for but it pays fifty cents more so he's happy about it and I'm sure I'll be fine with it too.

Haddie went to live with Jordan and Al. She wasn't getting along with the kids. She is so playful that the kids thought they could tote her around and treat her like a ragdoll and it was making her aggressive towards them and I didn't want her growing up in a house that may turn her into that kind of dog. At least she's still in the family :)

We went to buy Valentines for Drue's school party last night. We got to the cheap little card section and Drue was picking out which ones he wanted and I decided to be an overachiever and make our own. It turned out to be kinda expensive lol but they are going to be cute.

That is all for now.. my phone won't text a bitch so I gotta go Facebook her..